I signed up for an online program for a woman’s retreat.  You didn’t have to leave the comfort of your own home.  You were sent links to new activities and talks of empowerment from various women.  Their  goal was to bring a woman back to herself better than she was before.

The first assignment was to have a notebook, pen and a quiet space to meditate.  I set aside time for this retreat and made a binder to house the assignments.  I waited for the world to calm down and closed my eyes.  I took a deep breath and went in search of the little girl lost inside me.

I found her quietly whispering “What do we do with Theresa?”.  She was whimpering and her heart was pounding hard.  She knew that her life was about to be turned upside down with those words.  She would end up in the proper home of someone she hardly knew or a family member whom she didn’t know well either.

Once  inside their home, she would hear things about herself and her family that weren’t very nice.  She would take negativity and pity over kindness.  During lunch, the little girl would hear things about her size and how she needed more activity.  The adults had no idea that she was fed for two reasons.  One reason was to keep her quiet.  The second reason was to make her tired.

Her Mom was the parent who usually picked her up.  She would ask questions about the caregiver’s life.  She would then say “Time for bed.”  She would sit at the table with the little girl’s Dad confessing to how tired she was and she didn’t have the energy  for the normal aspects of life.

The little girl grew in waist and in shyness.  Somehow her life had been fast forwarded to a time where she was removed from her home and into her Grandma’s.  Tears streaming unknowingly down the adult woman’s cheeks, the little girl was overhearing the phone conversation her Grandma was having.

“I’ve got my girl.  Yes, Theresa.  Albert and I were going to contact them about keeping her through high school.  Poor little girl has been overfed and overlooked too long.  I tried telling her Mom this but she won’t listen.  She and Dan are too worried about that damn boy.  I told her that boy needs to fall on his butt.  He’s using them.  They should be paying attention to the little girl that has potential.  Yes they are going to pay for her food but she won’t need that much.  I’m going to retrain her way of life.”

In a tornado of visions and voices, I awakened with the meditating truth.  I immediately went to the site and wrote a letter of apology.  I wrote that I couldn’t continue as I wasn’t ready for it and that I couldn’t get passed the “What do we do with Theresa?”.  The owner contacted me and tried to get me to continue.   I just couldn’t.  It was too much.  However without the knowledge of my inner turmoil, I wouldn’t be so restless today.  Restless for change.

I sit quietly everyday.  I wake up, use the bathroom and grab a coffee.  I shuffle back into the bedroom that holds my computer to check my Facebook messages and YouTube comments.

As I read, my gray day turns into a sunshine day where the wind sings and the trees dance softly.  I feel the first tingles of true happiness.  I’m finding my peace, love and joy.  I start to laugh softly and wear a silly grin as I continue scrolling slowly through.  I realize I’ve drank my coffee as I’ve responded with my heart out to be seen.   I gather my coffee cup, turn the desktop onto another desktop (fancy computer has more than one desktop display) and shuffle out for more coffee.

“What makes you so fucking happy today?” I’m asked by my Dad.  “So and so said this.  I think they are really sweet people.”  I continue out to get my coffee.  I stand at the kitchen window noticing how bright the bark is on the Maple tree and how the leaves of the other Maple have finally turned into bright hues of Fall.  I turn to walk back into my room only to be stopped short with “If those people only knew how worthless you really are, they’d dump you on your ass.”

I don’t say anything in response as I stare straight out the living room window.  The bark of the tree across the street is dull and the leaves are no longer bright.  I put my head down and walk into my room.  I set my coffee down and switch back to the active desktop.  I’m seeing more comments and I respond politely.  My thoughts are on the new freshness of Hell.

My day’s start with the brightest of intentions only to be dulled within one hour as Hell is brought down on me for smiling.  I’m anxious and edgy after my coffee routine.  I wait to put my video public and then I go get clean for the day.  I wait to be told what I’ll be doing and what’s expected out of me.

I spend my days living their life as I wait for the opportunity to come where I can leave without guilt.  I want to leave this entire state and begin anew elsewhere.  This is going to take courage and strength.  I’ve been trying to find ways of staying quiet yet happy.  I would more than love to just be able to go for a walk without fear of returning to the freshness of Hell.

You see Hell refreshes constantly here.  It can happen within minutes.  There isn’t a day that I’m not holding my breath.  I finally breathe deep at 11 p.m.  You see that’s when my life starts.  After 11 p.m., the world is mine.  I can write, laugh and be free.  All done quietly of course as not to wake the demon from his slumber.

His knew grump has been my filming schedule.  I’ve had a few bad weeks trying to film with the constant noise of neighbors, scuffing feet and insensitive door slamming.  I’ve asked politely for respect to my filming.  He laughs and says “You’ll never make it.  You go on ahead, little girl.  I’ll try to stay quiet.”  I walk in and within 5 minutes he’s slamming around louder than before.  Freshness of Hell yet again.

I’ve had my fill years ago.  I’ve been feeling the bite of too much responsibility for others and not enough responsibility for myself.  Everything that is wrong with me has to do with family.  So I await the night with anxiety and loneliness.  There’s no one on for me to talk to but they have left me comments to respond to.  I find during this time that I’ve been badly burned by words of fire.  One would think that a lifetime spent being burned with scabs for skin that it would be tough.  No, sadly, with each burn it gets more sensitive to the point I’ve dreamt of what it would be like to die.

Dying isn’t living and living isn’t, well, living.  What’s a daughter to do with the freshness of Hell as the morning dew?

I’ve always been a fantasy girl.  I’ve built the imagery in my mind and solidified it into my heart.  Dreamt hours of the perfect life.  When my life turned dark, I still had the future promise of the well thought out life.

I dreamt of the lovingly devoted husband, the adorable children, the happy sounds of laughter and the emptiness of a life unfulfilled would be gone.  I’d finally have the family I always wanted.  Our home would smell of fresh baked cookies.  The exterior and interior of the home would be very inviting.

Insert reality!

I’ve spent my entire life dreaming, watching others live my life and surviving on a dream that I would one day have it all.  I did as my parents said.  I’ve put all my life into another’s hands with the hope that they would want me happy and healthy.

Life has inserted many disappointing moments.  However, none as severe as finding your prince charming is a grandfather (2 years older than I), has children by several different women and now has interest in you once again.  He has everything a much younger me wanted.  I now look at he and his life like its a permanent life sentence.  One where you continue the path you’ve already walked while he does as he’s always done.

Living with my Dad alone for the past 4 years has opened my eyes to how men really think, act and respond.  I no longer value what I once would have.  I don’t want a husband as I have so many trust issues and worries that it will drive him back into the arms of the women he’s already left.  My Dad’s many affairs have been discussed with my overhearing the sordid details.  The constant bragging has done my give a dang in.

I have a hard time looking prince charming in the eye knowing that he’s bed every women he could and has the children to prove it.  I have saved myself, literally, for the right man.  I’ve not lain with anyone.  I’ve cared and provided for my brother’s children.  I’ve taken care of my Mom until she passed.  I’m currently taking care of my Dad.  I just don’t have the mental strength or physical properties to want to be in a life like I was born into.  Its a ready made life.

One where you struggle to fit in and you are always left wondering the what-ifs.  It would be very hard for me as the pictures on his walls that contain his memories are those of his and not ours.  The bed  you would lay on would have the body indentations of the previous women.  Its a shadow filled existence that is a waking nightmare of someone opening wounds and pouring salt into it every single day.

Honestly, I literally felt my heart shatter and my gag reflux kick in with the mounting shame.  I had planned and pleaded for him.  When I found he was interested again, I openly said I’m not interested in dating men with kids.  I just can’t imagine a life where everything around you is somebody else’s.  I feel like I borrowed a spot to hang out for a bit.  Its my childhood all over again.

I’m embarrassed over the hours I’ve spent pleading for them to fix the house.  I worried about being too chubby to fit into his life and dieted only to gain it back.  I’ve dealt with the news of my Mom’s Cancer and my Dad’s health issues on my own.  I’ve spoken this aloud and saw the pity on prince charming’s face as he finally realized I had waited for him.  He hadn’t waited for me.

I can only imagine the hours of conversation and laughter that rang through his family.  The poor fat girl from the wrong side of the tracks saved herself for a life she’s already living.  She will continuously come up empty handed and heavy hearted.  I, honestly, am ashamed and embarrassed for thinking I had the right to a decent life.

One of life’s many disappointing moments!  We all have them.  I believe its for the greater good for all beings involved.  I could have been one of the women he left.  I could have ended up more bitter and heartbroken than I already have.

 

Hi!  Its been a while since I’ve blogged.  How have you been?

I’ve been busy building my YouTube channel.  I’ve been made fun of my YouTube channel and I don’t care.

My 40th year on this planet was Hell.  It wasn’t fun.  I cried a lot and took a bit too much criticism again.

I have no expectations for my 41st year.  I’m sad today.  I honestly thought my life would be better than this.  I don’t want to say that “I’ve done this and then I died.”  I’m honestly just tired.

I don’t feel like a failure but I do feel left out.  No pity party just the truth.

Blessed may we all be on this journey in life.

There were no shoulders to lean on, no soft spoken ‘Its going to be alright’, no friends, no family……….  When my Mom became ill, I wanted to fall apart and just take her place.  At her visitation I stood at the front of the room and looked around.  Everyone there had a support team and I…….

Four years later, I sit here in awe of the love our Heavenly Father as shown me.  He is my strength, courage, love, my being…….  I am so Blessed to know our Heavenly Father and shamed that I’m not perfect for Him.  I still carry anger and bitterness in my heart.  I’m not angry or bitter with Him.  I’m just wary of my path.

I’m ashamed that I fall asleep in the middle of my prayers sometimes.  I have so many questions and He will answer when I need to know.  Patience isn’t always easy in my life.  I put my tiny life in the awesome hands of God and I know he will mold me.  I ask, I believe, I receive…keys to the Kingdom of Heaven.

I, thank You, Heavenly Father.  I thank You for the grace to get me through.  I thank You for the love I’ve had in my life.  I thank You for me.  I thank You for You.

Blessed may we all be in our lives.  Blessed may we all be in our journey.  Blessed are we in His presence.   Happy Easter!

Monday we had to have the water meter changed.  My first thought was ‘I’m going to clean the way I normally and do..let him deal with the explaining of why this and why that.’  My second thought was ‘Dad has no sense of humility.  He’s walked the shining path of awesome his entire life.’  Especially after bragging about the 28 counts of sexual misconduct and many more he was arrested for at the tender age of 16.  My third thought was ‘I better go about trying to make it look like we live a normal life.’  My final thought ‘Nope.  I’m gonna go film a tutorial and continue to try to get out of this life.’

The water meter guy entered the house with an ‘OH MY!’  I laid in my bed after hearing this and thought ‘Exactly.  Welcome to the shell of a home that has very little of comfort but a ton of hypocritical lifestyle.  Don’t bother wiping your feet on the rug in the front of the door, don’t worry about the cold empty feeling…just listen to him rack up the excuses.’

Twenty minutes later, the guy left.  My Dad complained ‘The water meter guy just kept staring and snooping.’  I said ‘Yep, they do that.’  Sadly, it takes another man to shame him.  My Mom and I begged for him to do something…he cried that he wouldn’t get his money back.  You see, Dad needed that money for his mistress’.  He needed to prove that he really is a man of money and he can provide for them the home they always wanted.  Family means “The Shop, his son, his brothers and sisters, the neighbors…anyone that isn’t my Mom or me really.”  The night he said ‘I can’t do it.  I won’t get my money back.’ is the night I heard my Mom say ‘I understand’.  A woman’s ‘I understand’ is the final straw of giving a damn.

Do you have any idea what its like to live with someone who calls you ‘The Hired Help’?  I can only explain it as empty, bitter, lonely, worthless and hypocritical.  He deliberately gets up early to see who leaves for work and watch the little kids get on the school bus.  He then will watch the butt of any age female walk down the street and have a comment.  My Mom told me she didn’t feel loved, cared for or even seen.  I get that and more.  I feel lost on an endless journey of ‘Why was I born?’  ‘What did I do to deserve this?’  ‘Do I really have to have a penis to be valued?’

Overshadowed, life in ruins, chaos that instills….Throw it all in a trash bag, friends.  We deserve better.  A life that is half-assed can still be worth living.  I don’t know how yet but I’m going to figure it out for all of us.  I will lift you up with these final thoughts:  It takes a strong-willed person to live life in the shadows and survive the humility of an unfocused life.  Blessed may we all be in the roughest patches of our journey.  Blessed may we be to have a long journey.  Thank you for Blessing me with your presence.  Until the next time we chat, stay safe loves.

The overflowing cup of stress has shattered.  I will not replace it nor will I offer a substitute.  The burdens of paving a road for those to have an easy journey are cumbersome.

My loneliness has been softened by my YouTube channel.  I know people want a five minute video but I can’t…I just can’t.  I’m lonely and talking in the camera eases the pain in my heart.  I cry less and I find myself excited to turn the computer on.  This happiness has caused many problems as my family wants a forced depressive state of mind.  I mope around the house until I film or he goes to bed.  My heartbeat is lighter and my steps aren’t as heavy.

My internet friends are now my family.  Greatness comes from me.  I can make friends and I’m not such a bad person after all.  The knowledge of this has shattered the overflowing cup of stress and anxiety.  I’m so grateful and blessed.  I want the freedom now of making serious money and moving on.  I want the first step to be one of many happy moments.

I want a home to nest.  I want a clean space without my neighbors irritating me just for kicks.  The freedom to walk into a store and not have the entire store know me without actually meeting them.  I dream of fresh air and walks in a park that isn’t littered with my brother’s ‘homies’.  I wish I may, I wish I might, have all that I wish tonight.

Tonight I am fighting major anxiety as I took another negative smack down.  I want someone to believe in me.  I want to be seen, heard and cared for without having them stare around me.  I’m tired of being told I’m boring.  I found myself repeating myself in a video and I kept apologizing.  I then apologized for apologizing.  I’m through with it.  I am who I am and that’s all I can be for now.

I won’t go into the details of a simple minded man trying to fit in by beating me down.  I dream of leaving him standing there with his mouth open as I leave for the final time.  I know he won’t shed a tear and he’ll be happy.  Perhaps, my goal is to just be gone.  I haven’t a problem leaving its coming back.  Once I’m gone, I’m gone for good.

I know I’ll feel major guilt but no one else is.  I’m treated like crap my entire life and they are happy as clams.  I have to beat the guilt monster and walk with a solid sure step.  Friends, if you are burdened like this, leave if you are able.  Don’t look back and just pass ‘Go’.  Can you imagine how many empty calories consumed and how many trips around the board having passed go without collecting?  Seems like a waste.

My dear bloggers and friends, I will leave you with this.  Blessed are we that the people in the internet find us valuable and show us the meaning of what we are.  I’m in a toxic life and I pray that you find a life of health.  Take care, my loves, until we blog again.  Blessed on your journey, Blessed may you be in life and thank you for Blessing me with your presence.

Dear Mom,

I miss you and I love you.  Sunday marks the 4th anniversary of your passing.  I find it hard to believe that I made it this far without you.  I miss the softness of your hair, the light mint green eyes twinkling with laughter and your voice caressing me.  Have you missed me?

I feel your presence.  I know you are watching and looking out for me.  I close my eyes and think of our girls’ day outs.  Shopping, laughing and chatting.  I don’t know how other’s survive without a mother’s love.  I would feel empty and lost.

I am proud to call you Mom and grateful I could be there for you.  This family doesn’t feel like family anymore.  I can only think the thing that helps is knowing that you aren’t in pain or sick.  Fully restored and standing in grace beside God.

I’m keeping it short tonight as I don’t want to reference your illness.  I want to dwell on your beauty and peaceful love.  Thank you for being there for me, giving me life and for supporting me.  I hope to be a woman you are proud of.

I love you.  I miss you.  I thank you.

Blessed am I to be your daughter.

Spread your wings, Mom, and fly like the wind.

Love and Hugs.

Forever and Always.

T

P.S.  Hugs to all in Heaven.  Much love to God.

 

I took one of those ‘silly’ quizzes on Facebook about what my picture says about me.  There isn’t a picture of me on Facebook, only a butterfly, because of a family member’s unsavory business on there.  A Facebook friend asked “Do you keep all your photos private?”  I said “Yes.  I will take a picture of myself and post it.”  I then said I hope I don’t kill the camera.  LOL…only I wasn’t really laughing.  I cut up all of my childhood pictures after going through some horrific stuff.

I went into my art studio and pointed the camera at my face.  I actually pushed the button to take the picture.  I had a pit in the middle of my belly as I reached to see the photo.  It took me a few tries as my hands were shaking.  When the picture of me finally appeared on the screen, I just stared at it.  I wasn’t wearing make-up nor did I have my hair done.  I was wearing my usual rags of paint stained clothes that have gotten so baggy they don’t want to stay on.

What did I see?  All I saw was the tired eyes of a very petite female that no longer glows with youth.  In my mind, I’m 10 feet tall and built like a giant.  In person, I’m petite and now only slightly round.  I was taping a video and noticed that I still stand with my belly pushed out….only now I don’t have to as the belly is almost gone.  I looked at my now dull blue eyes and saw:  tiredness, wariness, fear, rejection, pain, sadness and sorrow.  I could go on but you get what I’m seeing.

I then moved down to check the appearance of my skin and noticed I really don’t need to wear make-up.  I’m lectured daily to stop spending five minutes on my face and to get the lead out.  The skin isn’t wrinkled nor does it carry a healthy color.  I had no idea that I look as my soul feels and that’s lifeless.  I’m so used to waiting for the wordy punch to come that I don’t let the fact I’m alive show.  Wow!

I put the tablet down on the table and just stared at the white wall.  My eyes show more pain than I thought.  There isn’t a spark of personality to be read.  Dark circles lie beneath my baby blues and the corners are turned down in a perpetual sadness.  I am wearing what I feel inside.  The sadness is that my family wants me to look just like this.  Lifeless, beat down and lost…a female easy to manipulate.  I then had a question pop into my mind: ‘Why are they still beating me down?’  I already look like I’ve given up the fight.

As I stood there staring at the wall I heard my Mom’s voice in my head say “What a beauty.  Pretty little blond angel with sparkling blue eyes.  Why did you let them win, Theresa?”  I felt instantly ashamed that I value their opinions so much that I destroyed the healthy glow of my own life.  I deleted the photos with a promise that I will take a picture and post it without fear.  Now why would a picture cause me fear?

I was always taught that perfection is the way to be beautiful.  I teach my students and subbies on YouTube that perfection is overrated.  Yet, here I am afraid to post this picture of me.  My Dad heard the camera clicking and said “Where’s the picture?”  I said “I can’t do it.  I can’t post it.”  He then said “Maybe you should.  Maybe what you see that you don’t like someone else will.”  I asked him to explain and he said “You won’t ever get it.”

The next day I saw him stare at me from head-to-toe and say “You’ve really lost the weight.  When did that happen?”  I just walked away with this thought in my head “Would you have noticed if the neighbors didn’t point this out?”  I fear the opinions of these people I’m about to share my face with.  I share my art and my struggles, although, no longer share the struggles.  Nobody really cares about that except a few like Anne.  Her family did the same thing to her and she left.  She really wants me to leave my family because its toxic.  She’s right it is toxic.  I worry that my art will suffer if I feel differently and I know its bull.  My art will always be strong because I art my heart.

I became an Administrator for a new art group on Facebook.  Linda Ann is fabulous and Friday she gave me the greatest gift since the passing of my Mom.  Praise.  She ‘interviewed’ me so she could formally introduce me and I just threw words out.  She wrote the most endearing synopsis of how she sees me and gave me the nickname Golden Heart Artist.  I just sat there with tears in my eyes as she calls me unselfish and on she went with all positive.  My God In Heaven I needed to hear it.

Friends, I will leave you with this:  God knows what He’s doing.  The timing might feel like forever before good happens.  God is good everyday!!!!  Trust in Him and let yourself be carried.  Safety net is not ever needed when you walk the path of faith.  Blessed may we all be on this rocky journey of life.

I am tired, friends.  I’ve been beating my head up against a brick wall since birth.  I can yell all the damn time and not have one word heard.  I am saying “I GIVE UP!!!”  I’ve been pushing and shoving shit around for years.  The path isn’t getting any clearer its just getting messier.  The rules and regulations are swallowing me whole.  I might just die and leave this planet with an unfulfilled life.  Perhaps that is why my Dad wants to buy me a burial plot for my 41st birthday.  He said “I’ll leave instructions at the desk as no one will want to ever claim you.”

I was chatting with someone on Twitter a while back and that person said “Write a book.  You could be famous as no one has ever had to live a life like that.  People would be fascinated.”  Who would want to know about me as my own family doesn’t care?  Its a shitty day when all you want to do is roll over and pray you stop breathing.

The path of life is rocky some say.  I say the path of family is a mudslide that hopes you drowned on your way down.  I wish I had known how little I was thought of and cared for when I had my car accident settlement.  In case you weren’t aware, my parents and brother ‘borrowed’ my settlement money.  I would have been the selfish bitch they say and left for good.  However, my Mom would have suffered and its not fair to her.

I can’t go back and change the past.  I can try for a future but I am not up to the fight right now.  Did you know that I have to stay up half the night to get a tiny bit of work done?  The television is blaring, the neighborhood is loud as crack and I feel peaceful alone.  The one thing my Mom was afraid of “She’ll live life alone and won’t believe in anything.”  She’s right the longer I’m around this, the less I want anyone in my life.  I’ve lived 40 years on this planet, sat on the bleachers and watched everyone ‘live’.  At this point in time of my life, I don’t want to play.

I can guarantee you this, friends.  One day there will be an offer I cannot refuse and no matter of guilt, rules and regulations will make me stay.  I’ve had enough brainwashing ‘You’re not good enough, No one will ever love you’ to last me 5 lifetimes.

I will leave you with this:  You can do it.  I believe in you.  Stay strong because only the weak beat on you.  Focus on yourself.  Goals are terrific and love is bullshit.  Live it once for you and on the way back tell them to kiss your ass!!!  They’ve lived their lives and now its your turn.  Blessed may you be on your journey.

 

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